Its so true that somethings will never change and somethings are bound to change.

Changes:

I started drinking. I don't know how it really began- and its not excessive or anything but yea, I've started drinking
and most recently I've had an odd urge or two to get totally pissed. ( I didn't).  Like yesterday I ended up drinking 1-2 bottle
of korean sake with my Korean friends - definitely not good (but i wasn't drunk or anything)

I feel fine - there are no big dramas in my life atm.
I don't need alcohol to comfort me. Or so I proclaim.

I started eating lots again - don't want to go down that path again. *sigh*

I went to Henry's today. I can't quite put my words to describe it. But something's changed
Maybe its me. There was the usual, "you staying for dinner?" and such.
But yes.
I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes.
Something has most definitely changed.


Unchanged:

I don't like who I am.

Everything about me, and what I am doing, or what I aspire to become doesn't make sense.
More and more I find myself talking in a heated discussion that leads to a big wall.
(With others, mind you)

"There is no answer". These words scream at me, screeching after my very conscience.

Life is still damn unfair
God is still omnipotent
I am still too fat
I still insult others too much

Anyway, indulge in some awesome contradictions that I've heard this week

1)

Context:
We were talking about how I always worry about a lot of small things.
Then my friend inadvertently says:
"I don't like guys who worry over petty things and can't get over them.. I'm not talking about YOU (me)! But yes
I think guys who do that are *makes face*"

=_="

2)
Hmm.. I can only think of one atm


Jenny says
perverse sense is revealing about what scares us most.

I wonder what she means.

I hope it rains tomorrow.

A play without an audience.
How amusing.


My past two months have been revealing - in hindsight of course.
Many times I have attempted to write up the next post - but I just didn't know what to share with you all.
Who knows, this one might not be published. I don't know what I am writing. Meaningless taps at best.

How am I doing you ask? Fine. Not great, but just swept away with my everyday uni work.
I miss work.

Did you know? I'm twenty now. My, my.. where did my childhood go I wonder.
I remember. There was a time when I had clear set of recognizable emotions. I was sad, happy, angry or confused.
But now. I am just confused most of the time.

As I grew older, something tipped over the buckets of emotions and the colours started bleeding into a messy pool-
Is it red? no.. more like brilliant red. sunset red? velvet red... blood red?

Irony is indeed, falling into an unknowing depths of confusion as you desperately clutch at the edges of higher understanding.

Things were much simpler back then. Red - apple. Yellow - banana.

Love. The state of being broken hearted. Crying.  - were once black and white to me.

Now, as I stand over the pool of messy brown and swirling yellow, I find myself unable to find appropriate words to describe how I am feeling.
For the past two months and six days. I stood static - staring at the mess that is my life.

Am I sad? Am I supposed to be sad? Angry perhaps? or.. disappointed? relieved? Free?

Am I the only one feeling this way?

The questions paw at my mind, ever so gently, yet constantly.

This is my story thus far.
But I have a feeling things will look up for me.

---------------------

On guard, world.

Here I come.

Last couple of weeks.. was indescribable. So I won't try explaining what happened.. in detail anyawy.

It was a time to reminisce nonetheless.

My Christmas's for the last 3 years really sucked.. and this year was no exception. Its weird. In a way its like a tradition in my family to have a shitty Christmas. Talking with my sister, we laughed about how shitty our previous Christmas's were... but behind the laughter I could see that we were both missing the good Christmas's that we used to have when we were younger.

My dad used to set up a tent on the deck during Christmas and we would spend Christmas eve in it, waking up to milk and cookies (seriously.) Christmas morning would entail opening presents, laughter, breakfast. As we grew up. . . things changed and yea..

This year was, I think, was really not taht bad. We went to a Christmas Eve dinner and a Christmas dinner. I miss spending Christmas with just my family - getting lost in the masses is much easier I guess.
We played Pictionary at the party. We had some laughs.

The highlight of Pictionary was when people could guess the word 'beef' and kept on frantically shouting out 'cow meat! COW MEAT!'... =_=' I kept on circling the cow picture that I drew.. and the steak that I drew.. but despite my frustration.. the closest thing they got to was 'mince?'.

The week leading up to Christmas was also shit..my co-workers made me listen to 'BEST Christmas album..EVE' over and over again..
even if it meant it would also torture them -_-' its not like I was having a great day..no week anyay.

I'm emotionally dry.
It sucks to be me at the moment.
The thing that I am surprised at is how much I am so calm about everything.

I've been thinking lots these days. Looking out my window from my bed, I can't help but think back..
The pale clouds sailing past the blue black sky seem so inviting at times.. I just want want to fly over there and never come back.

The worst part of all this is that I don't feel anything. I keep thinking I should be angry or.. sad but nothing stirs up inside of me.

Maybe God is telling me something...

I've decided that I am going to write a story. A fairytale of somesort . hmm.
It may do me some good.

I hope, all of you avid readers have had your picture perfect Christmas in 2006. As for me.. I am off to search the night sky for a glimpse of hope.

Goodnight everyone.

God bless.

From a recent excerpt that I found to be inspiring : -


Tolerance says, “You must approve of what I do.” Love responds, “I must do something harder;
I will love you, even when your behavior offends me.”

Tolerance says, “You must agree with me.” Love responds, “I must do something harder; I will
tell you the truth because I am convinced ‘the truth will set you free.’”

Tolerance says, “You must allow me to have my way.” Love responds, “I must do something
harder; I will plead with you to follow the right way, because I believe you are worth the risk.”

Tolerance seeks to be inoffensive; love takes risks. Tolerance glorifies division; love seeks
unity.

Tolerance costs nothing; love costs everything.

--------------------------------------------------------

Things don't always turn out the way you want huh.

Chopsticks crossed paths.

Laughter filled the air.

Simply speaking, a volatile concoction of sensory overload,

Distant chatter.

Time passed, and only a single salt and pepper squid lay writhed  at the end of the plate. (not really..I just like the imagery -_-")

The chattering subdued and the comfortable silence fell upon us.

All was good.

The japanese version of  "Shall we Dance" was brilliant! Thanks Raymond for letting us stay at yours if you are to ever read this.

Its rare to have such a good "PaperClip". But everything that could go wrong went right.

The food was good.
The movie was good.
Countdowning was good
The company was comfortable.

(Too bad Kat couldn't come..)

---

The holidays are upon us again. The holiday blues (if there is such a thing) hit me hard and it was unexpected. Sorry archi ppl for that night ... I was quite depressed for some personal reasons which I won't disclose that particular matter right now.

Every morning followed a dull routine of logging on to the internet to check if I haven't failed Japanese (Thank God I passed -_-")

After Japanese though, everything just unclenched and I really had those "whew" moments. It was good.

Before today. I felt like that single piece of salt and pepper squid leg. twisted. writhed. severed and deep fried with that extra oily goodness (with chillie)

Lately I have been faced with having make some difficult decision, with work and with my personal life.
I think God is testing me..
But honestly I don't know why these decisions have to be so hard to make. I thought I have become more decisive but I am not too sure anymore (ahha.. yea that's a pun. Yea. Take that Dennis).

Financial decisions..
Emotional decisions..

So dearest readers, I mean, friends. Pray for me and I will pray for you too.

The sun shines and the wind blows in our direction.
Set sail across the vast sea of time.
Have faith in God

and
 
All will be Good.

Goodnight and God bless.


P.S - Thanks Eddie, Ikje and everyone else for helping me out for Japanese. I wouldn't have been able to pass without you all!        
         Ray.C. Its a tad late but congratulations! for your Prize! Sorry I couldn't go to the gathering.. I was busy that night!

You made your nest,
right here
    in my heart.
and
sang your lullaby.

I fell in love.


                        ..
                                 please don't fly away..


I promise I will hold it in my hands
     away from the gust of winds
     away from the glaring sun



                        So
                                 Please don't fly away..

..

You made your nest,
right here
    in my heart.

               
                    
                                Please just stay with me.

     



                                                 - Sonny Lee